The first time I left was October 2010…
A few months prior I’d had a bumper bashing which resulted in my car being written off. A car had been in front of me as I entered a turning circle. Only I when I hit, did I see it. The car was my husbands. Blocking my way. Poetic how the bashing symbolised the decay of our marriage too. I hadn’t realised it then, I thought we could fix it.
We kept driving to work – couldn’t be late. It was just an accident – nothing to make a fuss over. I shakily followed behind him as he sped down the highway. The bonnet of my car flew up, blinding me. As the cars whizzed past, I thought I’d die on William Nicol. Couldn’t see a thing. Blinded by the bonnet and my tears and fear: what the fuck was happening? Life felt like some hellish nightmare. Priority: work, everything else in the way.
After a few months of sharing, I begged to buy a car so we could move separately between our two homes, hours apart. We sat in my Malva store and googled Black Rav 4; it popped online and across the street. Available at a dealership directly in front of us. We walked there and bought it. Meant to be.
I’m not a person who’s ever named my car, but it symbolised Freedom.
Filled with pink roses, twig art and bags of coffee coin change from a high tea I’d hosted, I packed it with what seemed necessary: life, art and change… and left behind 4 properties, a brand new business and my husband – a boy I’d dreamed would love me since I was 13.
A nervous driver and by that stage nervous wreck, I couldn’t leave alone. The role of knight in shining armour was performed by my co-founder of Malva’s pop up theatre. As usual, this rising star actress, played the part to perfection. I don’t know what I would have done without her.
She took this picture of me. An almost happy moment (WTF am I wearing? Too sad to have cared…) Jumping (like my trampoline childhood) to symbolise the giant leap I’d just made.
I handed my car keys over to sell it. My freedom’s brought me full circle to what’s propels me forward: life, art and change.
I’m selling my car to make art.
And, at the end of the month I leave on an adventure.
But, before I go to live in a tree house in Bali as a poet, I’m making an important stop in Los Angeles. To visit the woman, who stood beside me, when once upon a time, I jumped.