Who would we be without the construct of Monogamy?
- A bunch of sex crazed maniacs fucking everything in site?
- Do we need monogamous relationships to keep us on the straight and narrow?
- Do we need to be on the straight and narrow??
- Does monogamy lead to intimacy?
- Is connection of one more profound than connection to many?
I’ve always described myself as a monogamist. Pro marriage kind of girl. But I’m 34, divorced and showing no signs of settling down or stepping up into any kind of ‘one and only’ relationship. In fact, when I say ‘I’m single‘ what I really mean is: I’m into multiple. Not one. Many. Time to get real about that. I figure, I’m never really in a real relationship so I can do whatever I want. But the point is: what we do is who we truly are. And we can always do whatever we want. Freedom is ours until we give it away.
At the beginning of the year (when I was in one of my momentary repetitive: ‘It’s time to get a boyfriend’ ‘should’ thought patterns) I’d had a discussion with a guy I’d been seeing, that at the time drove me nuts…
Him: I’d want to give you your freedom.
Me: Um. You can’t give it to me. It’s already mine. I am freedom.
Him: But like, I want you to do what you want to do.
Me: Ja. I do.
Him: And I’m realistic, like if you wanted to be with someone else, that’d be ok too.
Me: Um, thanks?
Like, say what? I do that already dear. Why would I stop now? So we could kind of but not really attempt date?
It wasn’t the first time he’d brought up being with others. I questioned his true intention:
- Was it that he wanted to be with others?
- Was it that he didn’t think he was enough to satisfy me so wanted to keep me around by allowing me the pleasure of outsourcing sex?
- Was I suppose to say “No! I just want it to be me and you!” and prove how much I desired him?
Who knows. In life we need to mean what we say and say what we mean and that’s what he said so…
It would be hard (near impossible?) for someone to contain me as ‘there’s’. Sure, I love the idea of ownership, of belonging to someone but to give myself over like that? He’d need to be a fucking viking warrior. For a man to stake claim to me like that – I want you as my women – sjoe. He’d be brave and ballsy. The last time a man tried that, I married him. That shit works for me.
So when any dude starts an attempt relationship with: “Do whatever (read whomever) you want“, either his self worth is low or he doesn’t value me? Well, that’s what I’d always thought…
Him: But what are we?
Me: What do you want us to be? (Say it man!)
Him: Ja, I’m happy to see where it goes
I could’ve told him where a destination with no plan goes: nowhere.
But I can’t dump all my pent up frustration on a guy’s who likes me. It’s unkind. Maybe the frustration in “Why doesn’t he know what he wants” was just the reflection of my self frustration with the same thing.
So, I let the road to nowhere play out with no plans to see each other (different cities), with being with other people – and we ended up as friends. So a satisfactory and sustainable outcome actually!
But his is his idea of ‘open’ bothered me. Because, who’s open?
In today’s culture, the idea of polyamory is set up to serve men. But in reality, for women who want no strings attached, almost everyone is available to be had. If a woman wants children and a family, why would she accept a man’s polyamours set up? It’s the idea men like, but it’s a reality only liberated women can readily enjoy.
Queen bee with her drones. She wit da honey.
Polyamory is just multiple monogamy – extra complication with more emotional entanglement. It’s hard enough managing two individuals in the constraints of a relationship – who’d want to increase the work load?
Him: It’s good if you can chat to your partner and be open to things. There are things I’d like to experience (then experience them!).
Me: The point of no relationship is just that you do whatever you want. Relate to the person in the moment. That’s all. What you do has nothing to do with anyone else other than the person you’re doing it with then and there.
Him: But isn’t that selfish?
Me: The point is, it’s not about your partner because in this paradigm there is no partner. As long as you’re honest about it.
This – “We have an open relationship but don’t want to hurt my partner, so lets keep it between us – nothing goes on Facebook.” Uh. Nooit brah. Open is open my friend. Open for the world to see.
If you want a committed relationship, be in one. But this half and half, I don’t know what bullshit is just that. It used to confuse, upset and infuriate me. Now I just don’t care.
Part time lovers / Occasional friends – whatever.
Until I’m in a defined relationship, should I ever decide to be in one again, I’m celebrating freedom: undefined, multiple, transcendent.
I’ve stuffed myself sick with the same ‘almost’, ‘not quite’, ‘maybe this time’ and it’s unsatisfying every single time. Pretending I’m trying to be in a relationship and just looking for a decent man, is untrue – I know multiple decent men! Do I have to pick just one? Do I want just one? Nah. I don’t.
I’ve crossed over. Leapt into nothingness.
A you and a me.
Individual. Unbound. Free. Here and now. Moment to moment. That is all. That is everything.