I recently faced a rather epic rejection. If I didn’t know better, I could have taken it personally.
You don’t get more in-your-face personal than this:
“As I got to know you over the week, I grew to not really like the person I was getting to know.”
No not even a “he’s just not that into you” – this was – he’s like seriously, really not into you. He literally doesn’t like you, at all. He put it in writing. Permanently dislikes you.
From the hand written:
“You are so amazingly creative and spontaneous, it’s honesty intoxicating… Can’t wait to see you soon.” 3 page letter and card, to, the degraded email version defending why he didn’t want to spend any time with me because of how much he didn’t like me. To call this a ‘new direction’ in temperament would be the euphemism of the century. Let’s call it as it is: the dude couldn’t stand me.
It would have been super uncomfortable to receive this treatment after a week of dating. Try 2 and a half months of anticipation, a flight across the world and a booked ticket to Bali a month later to continue our ‘adventure’.
Granted, I am super spontaneous. Once I flew across the world to spend New Years with a guy I kissed for 20 seconds in Starbucks, so, first time overwhelm for him vs Tuesday afternoon for me, but intercontinental rejection is never ideal.
I could have been devastated, replayed all the ways in which I’d possibly repulsed him but I’ve learnt, it’s not about how he feels, it’s how I do. Did I even like him or was he an experiment? The a defining characteristic about ‘my type’ is that, they aren’t. And then it’s, I’m keen to see what happens. What’s the story, morning glory? Creators need to counter with destruction – fire to make the grass grow greener. So if there’s a tiny spark, I like to play it out – waiting to watch it to all burn down.
Love or content – you know my vibe.
Heaps of heartbreak has strengthened my resilience and I’ve learnt, not to put all my eggs in one basket. I grew up instead of settling down. He wasn’t the only one. Those days are done. I’m open to the potential of one man being enough for me: a truly free adventurous man who’s depth of emotion reachs the heights of the mountains he climb, but for the most part, I meet boys with toys (obsessed with possessions and party people) living lives of distraction vs connection. So I enter any relation-shape with the space for potential but no expectation. Practicing non-attachment, maintaining the hope for possibility. Value determined on depth not length.
It keeps me open, engaged and enthusiastic for the unexpected. Like I was with him.
So when I’m sucker- punch rejected, it still stings, I’m shaken, dazed and confused but I bounce back; stand up fast.
I’m able to, not just because I know my inherent worthiness and lovability isn’t determined by another’s perspective (usually a reflection of their own internal projection), but also because I’m so supported by a loving tribe of men and women. Magnificent relation-shapes.
Bound beautifully in truth.
Earlier this year, after being rejected by Camp boy, I was on a date that night with someone far more suitably my vibe. He’s still in my life! One of the men I spoke to, helping me bounce back.
Another repurpose (so much better than ‘ex’ – because these men aren’t cut) send me his best friend, who took me for dinner that night.
I went from the back of a busted bike and; ‘can you do my laundry?’, to being chauffeured in a silver convertible, and, ‘would you like a glass of champagne with those prawns? What would you like to do today’ vs the silence treatment and Mr failed-potential staying out 12 hours after the jol – not coming home – and sorry not sorry.
From being treated like a dirty rat to a queen. On the same day. Monday. The way they treat you doesn’t determine your value. You determine that by what you allow. The power is in your hands.
Another in the mix, sent me one of his best friends to meet. Within a few hours my new friend commented ‘Are we going to be besties?’ – we’d hit it off, out the park – I adore him!
If I hadn’t bounced back – supported, loved and accepted by my multiple relation-shapes, I would have left San Fransisco and cut my trip short. I would have missed out on one of the most magical weeks in my life.
It’s never about the other person. It’s about what you make of the experience. It’s about accepting the moment with gratitude for the lessons learnt. I’ve realized that this niche of rejection is comparable to rain rejection: when the dam overflows with rain water, is it the rain that’s rejected by the dam or simply a dam that’s too small to contain the free flow?
The men who reject me are usually the ones who want me to fit into something. And I don’t. Small and safe are not games I choose to play. I can’t be shamed with “I don’t like you, no wonder I didn’t want to spend any time with you.” As if their dickery instead of decency is somehow because of something I did so terribly wrong.
Sometimes, people don’t like you. There’s something you can do. You can bounce back.
From my experience, it doesn’t mean doom, gloom and less for you, it means, surprise, opportunity and more.
Here’s to the next adventure.
(And thank you boy – content for daaaaays.)
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