21 reasons “If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it” is a terrible idea.

Disclaimer: I love Beyonce and this song. But it perpetuates fantasy delusion. So, Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls… can we talk equality here for a minute?

I’m all for calling out liars and manipulators on this blog. It’s fun to rant about ‘fuck boy’s’ and play victim. It’s such a popular role and it’s relatable. It’s so easy to write too. But I’m bored of the stories, because they’re bullshit.

We love to sit and bitch about what losers men are; listing all the ways they fuck up and don’t see our value etc etc. How we want ‘a real man’ who pays for our dinners, who doesn’t just want sex and who publicly claims us.

He better see my value! He better choose me! He better be in it to marry me or he’s wasting my time!

We set the expectations, confirm them with each other and chant ourselves into the conformity of  ‘Go Girl! Bye boy!’

Because you deserve better! You know your worth. To be treated like a queen! Stamp your foot to get attention Princess. You’re a real woman, right?

Sister, you’re a patriarchal prisoner. And you’re loosing, more than just yourself. You’re wasting your life like this.

This idea that if he liked it then he shoulda put a ring on it is madness.

Here’s why:

 

1: Shoulda…

Like, he better or else? Or else what? You’re not getting what you want so you decide to threaten him into submission. How’s that working out for you?

 

2: A ring…

He must give to get you.  Are you really up for sale or…

 

3: On ‘it’

Just objectifying yourself?

 

4: If you’re trading sex for a potential husband – you’re the one who’s using him.

If you want to have sex with a man, do it because you want to have sex with that man – for no other reason. Sex is not a means to a happily ever after after ending. Stop being mad with him because he enjoys it for what it was: a mutually consensual moment in time.

 

5: The future is not your life.

If you are with a man, waiting for him to marry you, ask yourself, is it even him you want to be with? Because do you know what marriage is? A million moments. If you’re waiting to truly be with him in the future, who’s with him now, this very moment?

 

6: Titles are bullshit.

You know this from work right? So great, you get to call yourself a ‘Wife’. Do you think it solves anything other than societal status upgrades awarded from other wives? He won’t magically improve when you call him ‘Husband’.

 

7: You’ve given your power away.

The moment your joy is externalised, it controls you. You’re bound to it. Forever searching, reaching for it. And it’s unattainable because it’s constantly outside of you. It has to come from within. Self regulated, regenerated joy. No one’s going to give it to you. It can’t be given away. Only ever shared. Bounced between.

 

8: He’ll never fill that void.

You’re the only shape big enough to fill the void inside of yourself. It can’t be filled with cheese or cock or compulsive behaviour.

 

9: He’s the one – after all the others.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result – but you’re not crazy right? Of all the men you’ve attempted dated, you were sifting until ‘the one’ appeared. The one who finally gives you what you want. Ever thought about trying to give yourself what you want? No? Because..

 

9: Life’s goal is marriage, right?

Playing the game is working for you then? You’re in that ultimate relationship? All your needs are met? All it took was the right man? The solution is to be found contained inside someone else… um, no, it isn’t.

 

10: If you’re waiting, you’re a victim…

And I can tell you for free: no one is coming to save you. You’ll drown in waters churning with men who didn’t want you. You’ll feel forever rejected, heart broken and alone. Because at some point,

 

11: You disconnected from yourself.

You disconnected from your core and in doing so, you rejected yourself. You rejected yourself. Does that resonate? Slightly? And now that internalisation of your own doing manifests externally in unhealthy, unhappy relationships.

 

12: You’re primary relationship is to pain.

You’re bound to your pain. Not only is it boring, but it doesn’t serve you. Slip into joy state. It’s much more comfortable. It’ll serve you so much better. Reclaim your life! Rise up! Easier said than done, but start by understanding that it’s possible.

 

13: Pedestal or Pity: any divide separates us.

The moment a man has the potential to be your solution, you’ve idolised him and put him on a pedestal. The moment you think you can control him by ‘playing the game’ – not sleeping with him too soon, acting coy, pretending to be a good little girl – whatever your style of training is, however you’re trying to put a leash around his neck – under the guise of a ring around your finger, you’re both bound by the reigns. As long as he’s above or beneath you – there’s a divide and authentic genuine connection between equals isn’t possible.

 

14: Is it him or the idea of him?

If you think he should marry you – he probably shouldn’t. Because there are no ‘should’s’ and a marriage – a union, a coming together is guess what? About two people.

 

15: It’s not just about you.

It really isn’t. And if you are as unique and exceptional as I imagine you are – then you’ve already got the prize. Yourself. Anyone who gets to share in your deliciousness is lucky AF! You don’t need to prove you’re amazing by denying yourself to who… the man you love? 

 

16: If you love something, let it go!

If you’re shaming your ex because he shoulda done what the next guy did – you’re still hung up on him! If you truly loved him, you’d likely want him to be happy. But if you want to be the source of his primal joy – that’s co-dependancy my friend. The disease of our time! You want a partner, not a prisoner right? Good, just checking.

 

17: Moles can’t see!

Sometimes we project our love onto men who are so lost in the dark, that they can’t see our multi-colour perfuction. But they’re projects – not partners. If you’re being dragged down by an anchor, drop him! Literally, cull the low lives. Don’t exhaust yourself hauling him up and out into your life boat. What purpose does that serve?

 

18: He’s a distraction from your direction.

We love to focus our attention onto men because it’s so much easier than focusing on our own direction. It’s a cop out and it will fail you. Pain is easy because it keeps us comatose. Joy requires movement and creative expression.

 

19: You are your own solution.

To every problem you currently face. Not another. Not a man. Not a ring on it.

 

20: Society is fucked.

Literally. Take a look around. And almost every ‘should’ there is – is a sign that something needs to be reinterpreted, reinvented and revolutionised.

 

21: Write your own story.

What the world needs now are less wives, and more writers. Wait less, write more. There are alternative happy endings. Write your own. It’s more fun than you could possibly imagine.