Prior to the “Please can I repurpose you from the guy who didn’t date me into the guy who buys my car?” conversation with my mid week special, we’d had a great chat about traditional relationships (not relation-shapes that I’m into). We’d met up for coffee, a prom walk, car dealer meeting and then he’d come up to help me research my car value (aren’t part time boyfriends the best? Then he dropped me off for a girls night – I mean – delightful!)
There are massive benefits to friends with…
Anyway. I’d said how frustrating the,“I don’t understand why you’re single?” question is and he had the most perfect response for me because it was the one he used too.”
“I don’t understand the question.”
Because, let’s play it out:
Them: But you’re a beautiful girl?
Me: “Women. Thanks. And?”
Them: “So you could get a boyfriend!”
Me: “Yes. A boyfriend? Probs even more”
Them: “So why are you single?”
Me: “Choice. Women have it to.”
I used this once in response to a random Facebook message from a stranger and the guy went nuts – insulting me, shaming me – I love that moment, when the guy drops his ill-fitting ‘Mr Nice guy’ act and reveals himself.
I get it. The confusion is meant to be a compliment. But get this: it’s not.
Single? You mean, Celibate or Multiple? What do you mean? Why do you feel the need ask and to understand another person’s romanic / sexual life choices? It’s not about them. Except for the fact perhaps, that you’re not interested in them as the ‘solution’ to the problem they’ve imposed on you.
Most recently a by all intensive purposes – a nice guy, tried to start up the same conversation with me.
Him: “Most men won’t be able to handle you. They’ll be intimidated. You know, you’re out there. You a hard worker, got chutzpah…”
Me: I’m all good in that department, thanks.
Him: “But I like the way you are.”
Me: Ok, so that means what? I should be so grateful and date you? – But instead I say,
Him: “Isn’t it lonely? Don’t you want someone special to share things with?”
Me: I’m deeply connected to many people: women and men. Beautiful relation – shapes.
Him: But like – the other night, I saw you kissing that young guy – like what’s the point? Did you feel good about that the next day?
Me: Are you asking if I went home with him? No – not that it would have mattered. And if you’re asking if I felt good about kissing one of the hottest international models I’ve ever seen? Um ja – pretty outstanding. Delightful night, great person. Age is a construct. We had connection, chemistry…
In fact, he reminded me that that was exactly what I’d prefer to be doing instead of having this “concerned, helpful, conversation.” I was already scanning the room for another delight.
What are you afraid of / who hurt you? / are you scared of commitment. Whats wrong with you – what the what?
I don’t buy into societal norms and constructs of “should” “must” and “have to”.
But how do you explain that to someone bound up in it?
You live, by example.
Sure boy – buy me a drink, my me a bottle, to show me you care, but I make my choices on want not need. On desire and pleasure- not on stale security and commitment. I’d rather be brave than safe.
I’m not looking for a knight in shining armour to slay the dragon for me. I am the dragon rider. I like the heat, the height of the flight – to new worlds and foreign destinations.
This guy wanted to tell me that he would appreciate me – and I get it and it’s kind but it leaves no room for the reverse – what I see when I look at him. Someone desperate for another to validate his existence. To choose him. (I tried to convert to Judaism – I get it – being chosen is lit, but choose yourself!)
I don’t have to like or desire someone just because they ‘see me’. I see me too. I’m on my own trajectory. Of expansive expression and experience.
Open to it all: someone, no one, many. Doesn’t really matter to me.
My life is full of other things. This tiny slice of the pie isn’t life or death difference. I’m not starving.
I used to care more about others until I cared for myself more. I focused on filling myself up instead of looking for a boy / man to be my petrol to get me going. Sure, a bit of kindling to fuel the fire every now and again, cool, but we have to be our own main attraction. It’s the only thing that’s sustainable and lasting.
There are so many beautiful men in the world. All different shapes and ages. I used to hate how men I craved were so into the multiple buffet offering of women, until I let go of attachment to how things ‘should be’ and just embraced the moment. The man of the moment. Men of the moments.
There is such delight to be had. Surprise, synchronicity and joy state. Live and let live.
I don’t understand the question, because it’s not question. And when you’re your answer, you wouldn’t ask it.