Girl meets Boy.
Before they get to their ‘somewhere down the line’, they arrive at it. And have to decide if they cross it or not. The modern-day crossroad: Sex.
Now, because we all move at a different pace, let’s disregard time frame. Here’s an all too common story:
- Woman is ‘in’ and so, wants to have sex with man.
- Man is ‘out’ but still, wants to have sex with woman.
And now it’s awkward.
Whether they discuss it or don’t, the fact remains, they half disagree.
Let’s go with the mature approach and say that at a point, they discuss their expectations.
Half of what they both want from the outcome is contrasting, but half of what they both want is exactly the same. So they come to a compromise, and they go in the direction that they both want, which results in: sex.
- Woman thinks: he knows I want more but he’s doing this anyway.
- Man thinks: she knows I don’t want anything but she’s doing this anyway.
Please note that I’m not talking about the woman who is using sex as an exchange for love. That never works. If you’re bargaining with your body, then you are selling yourself, more than short. Women who hope to get love in return for sexual favour are using themselves. They’ve reduced themselves to a vagina. Put the value of their self-worth between their legs. Developed a limiting belief that they’ve ‘given something away’ and so feel empty afterwards. In reality, they were trying to manipulate a man for selfish gain. It doesn’t work. Try it.
I’m talking about the women who wants to sleep with a man as part of her package ideal. A woman who knows that her sex is not her worth. The liberated woman.
A religious woman may believe she’s a sinner and that desires are evil. If that’s you, by all means, don’t fornicate. But for the rest of us: wanting to have sex as an adult is normal.
But here is the problem with that all too common story: The after effect:
- Woman: 50% of her package ideal, sex.
And 0% of the second half ‘In’.
Woman’s Total: 50%
- Man: 50% of his package ideal, sex.
And 50% of his second half ‘Out’.
Man’s Total: 100%
By no means a win-win.
Now if even for a minute you’re thinking: She knew better! What did she think would happen? She gave him what he wanted! Consider the plausibility that she wanted it too. She wanted more but settled with assuming something was better than nothing.
The problem isn’t sex.
It’s feeling hard done by afterwards, because he got more out of the deal and men usually do.
So now we get to the sacred 3.
The holy trinity of relationships. The package ideal.
Comprising of Physical, Emotional and Spiritual. (Intellectual forms part of all three – setting the bar at your level want of each). Insert your own descriptions into each of the 3 components. To keep it simple, I’ve used my own example.
Adoration (ultimately Love but adoration to start)
Expressed in my everyday lifestyle, reflecting my values, which in terms of relationships is,
So sex and adoration in the stability of one committed, consistent partner. Too ‘idealistic’?
Now, because nothing is perfect, lets leave out 1% for error (we can’t have everything) and focus on getting to 99%.
Physical: Sex 33%
Emotional: Adoration 33%
Spiritual: Monogamy 33%
= 99% satisfaction.
To enter an attempted relationship, I’m content with a 66% (realistic!) If interested in someone, I’ll test the waters with my cup two-thirds full.
- So, if you adore me and are my boyfriend – the fact that you aren’t very good at sex is okay. (For a while.)
- If the sex is good and I feel adored, I’ll forgo the monogamy – because we’re consenting adults. It’s still worth the experience.
But, if all that’s offered is one of the three, then the service better overcompensate. So, if all you are offering is sex (which seems to be the usual for men these days) then you better be exceptional at it. And let’s face it… unlikely baba. There are few men who can satisfy with one service offering. In my entire life, in all my social experimentation and research, I’ve met one*.
(*The walking dildo. The man attached to the perfect penis – but that too is another story, maybe an ode…)
If the man had come to the party in your pants with the gift of mind-blowing, earth shattering sexual sensation – I think the after effects would be different. I don’t think you’d wake up feeling as unsatisfied that your ideal wasn’t met. In fact, you may agree to no strings for a while (until you got bored or met someone else).
One of the biggest problems of the patriarchy (vs the matriarchy of queens and goddesses) is this:
Most men, are not good at satisfying women sexually.
It’s all about penetration and not stimulation.
It’s just, not enough.
We are always left wanting more!
For too long, men have gotten away with being so average in bed that many women believe that they don’t desire or even like having sex. They focus on other fulfillments, like babies and families; over eating or excessive exercise. They say things like: “Men are the ones who need sex. It’s biology. We just want to breed. We don’t need sex the same way.”
To the women out there who still think like that: baby girl – you’ve just never orgasmed the way you could. Your body is built for pleasure.
Women have developed a culture of having sex for men instead of themselves. Servicing male needs. Male fantasies. It’s part of the reason that if he doesn’t want to commit to you after sex, you feel annoyed. Because what did you gain? Another average sexual experience and not even a boyfriend for Facebook? I can promise you, that if it was worth it – you’d be glad you’d done it anyway. It would have been an equal exchange. A worthwhile experience.
- When a man offers you 33% – it’s a fail!
- When it’s 66% – it’s a pass.
- And when it’s 99% – you’ve got yourself a chance at a real relationship!
How to make it work long-term… that’s another article.
Until Valentines 2018, I’m wishing you more good sex days than good hair days.